Monday, March 22, 2010

Am I A Gluten for Punishment???

I'm going Gluten Free. But not because I want to.

Ever since my doctor told me to STOP EATING WHEAT, I've been trying to think of something funny to say about it. That's why I haven't posted in a while. I'm depressed.

I don't know what's funny about not being able to eat brownies, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, cupcakes, pie, and bread when I've been addicted to these gems ever since I entered the world. I RELY on them to assuage the emotional upheaval in my very stressful (and sometimes stress-imposed) life.

Instead all I want to do is cry in my wheat.

When I'm happy, I reach for brownies. When I'm sad, I reach for cupcakes. When I'm bored, I reach for cake. When I'm tired, I reach for bread. When I'm stressed, I reach for cookies.

Give me an emotion, and I'll give you wheat.

The only GOOD news is that they haven't taken away my chocolate......yet!!!

Clearly, I'm a candidate for "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. A book I've not read, but ordered instantly when I saw a quote from an interview between Oprah and Roth.

Oprah said, "A lot of us use food as a drug - to hide our feelings, to anesthetize ourselves, to escape...Geneen seems to understand better than anybody else how we torture ourselves over a number on a scale or a size on a dress when we'd be better off putting our energy into loving and understanding our real selves."

You can read the full article at:

So, for my recent birthday, instead of getting the requisite pound of fudge, my husband knows is a sure fire gift, I had to settle for...are you ready for this? Gluten Free Muffins.

Ugh. Puke. Disgusto.

How can anything be the least bit tasty and worth any amount of calories unless it's drenched in flour, butter, sugar and chocolate? I mean one's birthday offers every reason in the world to gorge yourself silly and eat like a true Queen, right?

Well, after tremendous resistance, screaming and crying and throwing myself a wonderful pity party with my various sob sisters, (who screached, "wow, how great is this?? You will lose so much weight not eating, we're soooooo jealous.") I was jolted into reality by my two young god-daughters who believe their bodies are temples.

Excuuuuuse me?? We're getting religious now??

These pre-teens wont' go near wheat. They CHOOSE to be gluten free. Huh?

When I was their age I was eating McDonalds and Dairy Queen and after a good, "Im-so-full-I-could-die" feast, I'd easily pour myself into my size 2 jeans without a scant of muffin top....(Those days are clearly over...ugh..the joys of aging...bring on the brownie..)

Well, I have to applaud these gals, cause guess what they showed me? Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Double Fudge Cookies that are actually.....GREAT.

I was stunned. You can actually enjoy these little darlins' and get fat at the same time.

Imagine getting inspiration and healthy advice from the next generation. Hmmm...maybe they're on to something??


  1. Your headline writer is a genius.

  2. You really understand the rollercoaster that we women go through-- Please write about whether or not gluten-free makes a difference.
    Enjoyed your blog!