Friday, February 19, 2010

Healthy Eating Sucks!

Today I’m eating at my very fancy schmanzy country club, amongst my fellow anorexics who daintily eat their finely chopped salads. I’m chowing down a Cobb salad; hold the bacon, cheese, avocado, egg, and wait, what’s left???? Forget it, put them all back in. But dressing on the side. Well, wait, what kinda dressing is it? Creamy…mmmmm, that sounds sooooo good, creammmmy dressing. The word itself adds five pounds. But no, the recently fired Nazi Nutritionist who is still dancing around in my head jerks me into reality and screams, balsamic vinegar! Yuck. Fine, I will drench my woes in tasty tangy vinegar.

The Nazi Nutritionist words continue to batter my brain with things like, “You can’t eat whatever the eff you want anymore. That’s just life. You're older.”

I’m eating alone, with a book in front of me, but who can read when there's such juicy conversation (and hopefully some good gossip) at the next table. Three elderly woman-but please don’t tell them that-because clearly they are in a war with aging.

I carefully and surreptitiously tilt my head in their direction and listen as these women talk giddily about their new plastic surgeons. One gleefully announces that she is in fact 82. The others are flabbergasted drenching her with compliments, adding that she looks 55. Wow. Well, I can’t stand it, I need a FULL view of this “82 is the new 55.”

Our eyes lock and I see a woman’s face with but a few lines, and long straight white hair. Admittedly, she doesn’t look 82. But 55 is a bit of a stretch. Now the conversation turns to...DIET. They speak of their good fortune to be alive and able bodied. But they are STILL watching their caloric intake. At 82. Ugh. (I was planning on tapering off around 70, I figure I’d earned a Big Mac and fries, and could dump the gym by then.)

Thirty long minutes have passed, and I’m famished and trying to ignore the aroma of hot buttery raisin bread at the next table. Finally my salad arrives.

But boy would I like that raisin bread. Nooooooo cracks whip of the Nazi Nutritionist inside my head sharply jerking it around into my glorious salad full of rich and healthy green vegetables. Yuck. What I really want is that darn raisin bread. In fact, my mouth is salivating for it.

But then I see “82 is the new 55” jumping, (literally) out of her seat (due to her personal trainer who trains her every morning; part of my skillful eavesdropping) and out the door with her fellow plastic surgery-ites. I glance over at their half eaten salads, with NO trace of bread or even crumbs on the table. Boy are they disciplined.

Suddenly, my salad is looking a little better.

Truth is YOU CAN lose weight if you really try. Here are three Easy Steps:

• Keep a food diary. I’m not kidding. Try it. It works.
• Remember to enjoy your food. Even a Cobb Salad tastes pretty darn good.
• Plan your meals. If you’re eating out, decide what you want to eat before you get there.

“Overcoming Your Fear of Frying” Great article with recipes about how to bake traditional fried foods.

1 comment:

  1. Don't think "fat." Think voluptuous. Live voluptuous. Be voluptuous.

    It worked for Marilyn Monroe.

    It can work for you.